Tonight Spurs take on AC Milan in the Champions League, a game which I’d quite like to watch. But I’ll play the long game, forsaking my choice of channel in favour of watching the Brit Awards. There are three reasons for this:
1. Utilitarianism: more people in my household will wanna see the Brits so it’s selfish of me to insist on watching the football.
2. Deferred gratification: I can then claim the right to watch Arselona tomorrow and my housemates would be churlish to deny me the opportunity to watch the tiki-taka pass-fest.
3. Watching the Brit Awards gives me something to moan about. And how I love to moan.
Right off the bat, I ought to make clear that I don’t place a lot of stock in music awards. It’s such a subjective thing that to compare artists of wildly different genres is unfair and ridiculous. The Brit Awards rankle particularly in their failure to differentiate between musical styles – rather than producing a number of different awards for British artists they award just six gongs to domestic acts and a further five to those from overseas. Dozens of brilliant British groups and artists who would benefit from the exposure that more home-based categories would bring instead miss out on being honoured whilst (largely American) artists rack up more meaningless baubles with which to decorate their downstairs toilet.
I could write for weeks about those who’ve produced magnificent music in the last twelve months without receiving Brit acknowledgement, but what’s the point? Instead I’ll limit myself to looking specifically at those nominated and choosing those who I think should win (although they probably won’t).
British Male Solo Artist
Mark Ronson; Paul Weller; Plan B; Robert Plant; Tinie Tempah
I haven’t heard Ronson’s album, but purely on the basis of that fucking awful ‘bicycle song’ he’s not getting his hands on my award. Weller’s album was decent, Plan B makes me wanna rip my ears off the side of my head and Tinie Tempah has made no impact on my life at all. So Plant gets it by virtue of being sensible enough not to reform Led Zeppelin.
British Female Solo Artist
Cheryl Cole; Ellie Goulding; Laura Marling; Paloma Faith; Rumer
That someone with such negligible talent is involved in The X Factor is entirely appropriate – and Tweedy is even worse alone than she was in Girls Aloud. Ellie Goulding is almost as irritating as Paloma Faith and I have no idea who Rumer is. All of which is irrelevant as Laura Marling is head, shoulders and torso above any other nominee. A unique talent and she’d be a worthy winner. Although she’ll probably come fifth of five.
British Group
Biffy Clyro; Gorillaz; Mumford And Sons; Take That; The XX
The XX are great for those nights when you can’t get to sleep. But having won the Mercury let’s hope another ill-deserved award doesn’t make its way onto their mantelpiece. Take That readmitted the fat dancer and made a record vastly inferior to their last effort, Gorillaz disappointed and Biffy Clyro are simply awful – and responsible for Matt Cardle’s Christmas single. So Mumford & Sons win despite their album actually being released in autumn 2009.
British Single
Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long; Cheryl Cole - Parachute; Florence And The Machine - You've Got The Love; Matt Cardle - When We Collide; Olly Murs - Please Don't Let Me Go; Plan B - She Said; Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song; Taio Cruz - Dynamite; Tinie Tempah - Pass Out; The Wanted - All Time Low
It says everything about the state of the singles market that every single song on this list is fucking abysmal. Choosing between these is like being asked to choose between genital warts or chronic piles.
MasterCard British Album of the Year
Mumford And Sons - Sigh No More; Plan B - The Defamation Of Strickland Banks; Take That - Progress; Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy; The XX - XX
I’ll disqualify Mumford & Sons since it came out 18 months ago. Which is cutting off my nose to spite my face as it’s the only one of these albums I really like. I’d give it to The XX for the way they’ve eased my insomnia on occasion.
International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen; Cee Lo Green; David Guetta; Eminem; Kanye West
It’s pretty hard to care about this. Fuck it – Bruce.
International Female Solo Artist
Alicia Keys; Katy Perry; Kylie Minogue; Rihanna; Robyn
Kylie? Seriously? Even her surgeon seems to have given up nowadays. Keys takes it for that single with Jay Zed (and I wonder if he should claim more credit than her for that?)
International Breakthrough Act
Bruno Mars; Glee Cast; Justin Bieber; The National; The Temper Trap
At last! A category I can care about. Sweet Disposition has been kicking around for ages, so The Temper Trap aren’t having this. The Glee Cast aren’t even a fucking band so they can piss off too. The National are so clearly the winners here that it seems almost certain that Bruno Mars will waltz off with their award. Because there’s no justice, you see.
International Group
Arcade Fire; Black Eyed Peas; Kings Of Leon; The Script; Vampire Weekend
The Black Eyed Peas are literally the worst band of all time. Ever. It’s music for people who don’t like music. Kings of Leon ceased to be interesting when their lyrics became intelligible and Vampire Weekend have gone backwards. So the Canadian colossus that is Arcade Fire ought to (and probably will) claim the crown.
International Album
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs; Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer; Eminem - Recovery; Katy Perry - Teenage Dream; Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown
And it goes without saying that the world’s best band also produced its best album. The Suburbs by a country mile.
Right, i’d better put the kettle on and get myself within bile-spitting distance of the TV and hope for a Jarvis Cocker-style arse wiggling incident.
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